On Friday, [$_random_thing] reminded me of [$_random_patient]1 from a million years ago and I’ve felt a bit off ever since. I have been assured that events like these are more “speed bumps” than “setbacks” but it is difficult for me to not see it as something of a step backwards.
I’ve been feeling quite tolerable over the last week or so, Friday through today (Sunday2) excluded. Good enough that I had been pondering what the next step might be. Among the steps somewhere in the region of “next” is, of course, going back to work. I admit, in the past, I have had some unrealistic expectations about my ability to go back to work. This most recent event has helped to once again clarify my thinking on the issue.
I won’t pretend I’m not frustrated about the whole thing. I think a great deal of difficulty is coming from my overall mood improving somewhat. I feel okay most of the time, so why aren’t I doing anything? Because when I start trying to do things, I stop feeling okay most of the time.
Frustrating.
- I am aware of, and could provide the details of both these random events but this was one of those patients where explaining what was wrong with her and what we were trying to do would take longer than it would to tell the relevant part of the story. Take my word for it, she was a doozy. ↩︎
- I know all these posts have dates on them but I thought I’d save people the trouble of looking up what day it was when I posted this. Except now you’re distracted by looking at a footnote. Alas. ↩︎
100% understand the frustration, but I’m really just heartened to see you saying you’ve spent more of the week than not feeling better than you have been recently.
In my experience (which is not at all the same as yours, but all that I have to reference) that seems like an incredible amount of progress from what you’ve been reporting recently.
Happy to see another report from you too.
Hope you continue to find ways to help yourself heal and to give yourself permission to.
Love you and miss you!
This is a question, not a suggestion, since I don’t feel qualified to offer up the latter. What kinds of “things” are you trying to “do” that make you stop feeling okay? Are they the same things you were doing when your reaction to your trauma began to affect your ability to function? Or is it literally almost anything? What I’m getting at is, maybe there are other things you could try doing that have no connection to that part of your life, but are nevertheless an exercise in slow and careful stimulation. Anything from hobbies to chores to forms of creative expression. Again, I have no basis for offering this as an actual helpful suggestion; just thinking out loud. Ask your doctor whether Doing Shit® is right for you.