Recalling that the original purpose of this blog was to be a platform for updates on my cancer treatment and not really a platform for me to bitch about Covid, and realizing that I hadn’t actually made mention of my condition for a while, I have decided to try and rein this thing in a bit by combining a rant about Covid with a brief update on how I’ve been feeling.
I am still on light duty at work. The fatigue has definitely improved but only to the point that it is limiting instead of debilitating. I asked the urology clinic nurse about this, given that it has now been a bit over a month since my last treatment and I still haven’t bounced all the way back. The urology clinic really had nothing to offer other than to say that it would be unusual for the fatigue caused by BCG treatments to last this long. I have an appointment with my primary care doctor to rule out any other possible cause and after that, who knows? There is also a good chance that part of why my activity tolerance has gone to shit is that I am completely deconditioned from sitting on my ass for the last month plus.
Whatever is causing it, I still don’t feel like I would have the endurance to make it through a 12 hour shift in the ICU, especially under current conditions. Which brings me to my rant about Covid;
The two incidents I posted about below (and there are plenty more stories like those circulating around) made me realize that I simultaneously feel profoundly grateful that I am not working on the unit right now and incredibly guilty because I am not working on the unit right now. Every hospital in the country is desperately short of ICU staff and I am, in my own small way, totally not making that situation even a little bit better. Especially if there isn’t an identifiable physical cause for my continued lack of energy, I am going to have a really hard time justifying sitting things out for much longer.
I’m scheduled on my light duty assignment through next week, which will give me time to see my primary care and make sure there isn’t anything weird or unlikely going on physically and then I have a somewhat difficult decision. I would really prefer to not dive right back in, but things out in the world are not likely to improve much any time soon and I am not going to be able to stay on light duty forever, so a return to the ICU is inevitable. With that being the case, is there any point to putting it off?
I appreciate you and all the folks who have/are working in the ICUs. I am not saying that I hope you rush back into it but I am very much hoping that your body gets to the point that you could if that is your path. Either way my brother I am very glad you seem to be at least somewhat on the mend. If you get to the point of an unpacking party let me know. I will be there to help. Any excuse to hang is a good one.
For the love of Ba’al, don’t push yourself. I don’t mean to shock and alarm you here, but your life was already h u g e l y stressful before all this COVID shit went down. Listen to your body, give it what it needs. Like rest. And respite. And help from friends and family.
You’ve taken on a great mantle of responsibility in your choice of careers, but that doesn’t trump your obligations to yourself. If relief workers in famine-struck regions of the world can force themselves to sit down and eat every few hours, you can force yourself to take the time necessary to really heal before throwing yourself back into the maelstrom. Just me thinks on the subject.
As Andrew mentioned…. Do you remember those Doonesbury strips where Jimmy Thudpucker was in Ethiopia in the 80’s? We’re your “eating buddies”. So “eat”.